Below you will find the Ten Statements of the Burritophiles, inscribed on aluminum foil and recently unearthed from a grease trap in San Jose, California. Early reaction to the Statements has run the gamut from ridicule to derision, although some have professed profound apathy. For the rest of us, we have included a distillation of the outpouring of critical thought.

  1. "I am the Burrito your God who brought you out of the land of Taco Bell..."
  2. "You shall have no other burritos besides Me...Do not make a sculpted image or any likeness of what is in the foil above..."
  3. "You shalt not eat falsely by the name of the Burrito..."
  4. "Remember the salsa day and keep it holy"
  5. "Honor your father and your mother..."
  6. "You shall not murder"
  7. "You shall not commit burritory"
  8. "You shall not steal"
  9. "You shall not bear false burritos against your neighbor"
  10. "You shall not covet your neighbor's burrito..."
Critical interpretation:

  1. Obvious, although some scholars translate the original Aramaic as "Green Burrito" or "Del Taco."
  2. A subject of debate, as who would want to make a sculpture of a burrito?
  3. "Eating falsely" most probably refers to those who encase Thai chicken or other such substance in a wrapper and falsely present it as a burrito.
  4. Salsa Day, in ancient times, was the most sacred of days during the Burritoric Year. Traditional activities included sleeping until 11:30, putting on a baseball cap, and heading out for a burrito.
  5. "Father" obviously refers to the burro, namesake of the burrito. "Mother" could be the Virgin Mary, or the Glenn Danzig song. Debate rages. More conflict arises when we consider the apocryphal Van Winkle Codex, which replaces "Honor" with "Word to." There is a Master's thesis here somewhere.
  6. This continues to confuse academics, as violence has never been a part of Burrito Culture. The definitive interpretation has yet to be discovered.
  7. Burritory: the practice of ordering for yourself and your friend, deciding while he's in the bathroom that his sounds better, taking a big bite out of his and declaring when he gets back, "Oh, dude, they switched our burritos! I guess I'll just take this one..."
  8. This applies equally to both sides of the counter: Consumers should pay for the burritos they order, while purveyors should give full value and not stuff their burritos with lettuce.
  9. If your roommate asks you to grab him something to eat while you're out, don't bring back a Chalupa. That's just mean.
  10. Be satisfied with what you have, even if your buddy got his wet, with extra guac.
The Burritophiles feel that these 10 instructions give a clear, simple guide for leading an orderly and moral life. Consequently, we are currently lobbying to have these Commandments posted outside every taqueria. Although there are those who say this violates the separation of Church and State, we contend that there is no possible way for such a tasty concoction to have come about by pure chance...but ID and burritos is a topic for another day.