He: "So, who should we have food from?"
She: "I was thinking about..."
He: "That crepe place?"
She (shocked): "Um...I was thinking about burritos. Think about it -- they could bring in heaping plates of carne asada, piles of salsa, guacamole. Everyone could make their own burritos! It'd be cheap, incredibly tasty, fun, and everyone would remember it!"
He (long pause). "Um...I don't really like burritos. Or any Mexican food, for that matter."
What To Do
The first rule is, don't immediately cancel the wedding. Although that's obviously going to be your first instinct, try to fight it. There are many possible sources for your loved one's burritophobia, and it may not be the personality flaw that it appears to be on the surface. Try to get to the root of the problem. Ask questions and remember to use lots of "I" statements. Here are some examples to get you started."I wonder if you've never had a good burrito. What kind of burritos have you had?"
"I think that your response means that you may have eaten lots of Taco Bell. Why didn't you tell me about this problem, so we could work on it together?
"I feel bad when you talk about burritos in that way. Why do you insist on hurting me?"
"I think that anyone who doesn't like burritos is an idiot. Why did you lie to me about having a college degree?"
"I am wondering why I am sitting here, given that you do not like to eat burritos. Can you give me four good reasons?"
"I am thinking that you are perhaps not the person I'd like to spend my life with. The only way we can change this is by going to get a burrito right now. Where would you like to go?"
Notice how the conversation is redirected to exactly where you'd like it to be. Any conversation that ends with both parties getting a burrito is a good one.
Of course, if your spouse answers the final question with "I don't want a burrito," you have a serious problem, one that may require treatment. Unfortunately, burritophobia is not a specialty that psychiatry school addresses as part of the standard curriculum, and it is very unlikely that your medical insurance will cover treatment for your loved one's malady. Our crack lobbying team is working around the clock on K Street to try to attack this obvious need through federal legislation or constitutional amendment, but that process can take quite a while. Your marriage needs saving now.
Turn that frown upside down! You're in luck! We here at Burritophile have made an extensive study of 19th-century texts devoted to the treatment of odd phobias, and by putting our knowledge of these methods together with our long experience in eating burritos, we've devised a treatment method that we know will have your honey-bunny carping for carne asada, agitating for al pastor, and chomping at the bit for one bite of chile verde!
Important: follow this treatment path exactly. Do not attempt to use substitute ingredients or change the order of operations in any way. If you screw this up, your lovebird could end up with a pathological love of burros, and we have a feeling that you really don't need an extra equine in your marital bed.
- Remove your sweetie from his surroundings. Give him a concentrated dose of Phenobarbital with his boring-ass dinner, then wrap him in a straightjacket while he sleeps.
- Pile him into a station wagon. If you do not own a station wagon, rent one. SUVs, Honda Elements, and Toyota Scions are not station wagons. No substitutions allowed.
- Drive him to one of the sleazy motels that line El Camino Real in Mountain View, California.
- Hook him up to a catheter. If you don't know how to insert a urinary catheter, look here. Urinary catheters also come with a handy instruction manual.
- Go to Target and purchase a large supply of generic diapers.
- Swaddle him.
- From here on out, it should be obvious. Your loved one is not allowed to eat anything for seven days. Don't worry about him or her dying, as humans can survive for several weeks without food, especially if they aren't doing anything at all. You get the fun part -- you get to go out of the room twice a day and get burritos from any one of the fine taquerias that dot the area, and eat them. Do not bring them back to the motel room; only come back after you've eaten, informing your spouse of the wonderful meal you have just had.
- After seven days, bring home a hot burrito and put it on your loved one's chest. Do not feed him the burrito yet; let him stare at the cylindrical God for several hours, driving him crazy with hunger and lust.
- Bring home another burrito (we recommend a super al pastor from Taqueria La Bamba), loosen the arms of his straight jacket, and watch him go to town!
Of course, if this doesn't work, go ahead and call off the wedding.
