Wraps
Let's be very clear here: satay chicken, lemongrass, cucumber, and peanut sauce can be a wonderful combination, but under no circumstances do they make up a burrito. They become even less like a burrito when you stuff 'em into a spinach/artichoke pita square. Wraps are an insidious attempt to dilute the nature of a burrito, to slowly turn the Cylindrical God into yet another fusion dish that takes an entire paragraph to describe. Which sounds better:
1) Seaweed, sprouts, organic greens, and twice-marinated Cajun-style seitan, wrapped in an all-natural, whole-grain vegan lavash. The lavash is uncooked, instead, we mix it, roll it, and dry it in the sun on top of six specially selected obsidian stones from Mana Loa national park in Hawaii.
or
2) Super burrito, carnitas, with avocado, cheese, and hot salsa.
?
Remember that scene in
Raiders of the Lost Ark where the Nazis open up the Ark of the Covenant and the wrath of God spews out in a torrent and melts everyone's face? That's the level of vengeance that I'd like to visit upon people who ask me if I want a burrito, and then take me to a place that serves wraps.
Wraps and their ilk are foods that are guilty of a cardinal sin: attempting to improve upon a burrito. You cannot improve upon the form and function of a burrito, because the burrito is the most perfect food in the world. A burrito is everything you want, stuffed in a convenient package, then wrapped in cheap, convenient insulating material. By attempting to improve upon the burrito, putting burrito ingredients in something other than a tortilla, or (the deadliest of sins) calling something a burrito that absolutely is not a burrito, you're slapping God in the face with a glove, kicking Him in the nuts, and telling the Almighty that his mother wears army boots.
Burrito Bowls
Alternate spelling: Burrito Bol (seen at Chipotle). Huh? Does Manute have anything to do with Mexican food? Chipotle started this despicable trend, and we've seen the concept spread to otherwise-normal taquerias here in San Francisco. A Bowl (we won't dignify it by using burrito as an adjective. The only proper uses of the word burrito are as a noun and a verb.) is made by taking the ingredients you'd usually have in a burrito and putting them in a bowl; apparently this is South Beach or Atkins or Zone or some other low-carb ridiculousness. Whatever it is, it ain't no burrito. A real burrito requires no fork.
McDonald's Breakfast Burritos
I ate one of these once on the way up to Tahoe. One and a half powdered eggs and artificial sausage, wrapped up in a tortilla that began its life on the shelf of an Alabama Wal-Mart as a quarter of a Brawny paper towel. That sucker went right through me faster than a suspect bite of al pastor, without any of the tasty positives.
Schwarma
In 2004 the
SF Weekly had the chicken or lamb schwarma from Truly Mediterranean as their
Best Burrito. Please. I like Middle Eastern food as much as the next guy, but schwarma is not a burrito. Lavash is not a tortilla, tatzhiki sauce is not salsa, cucumbers are not avocados, and there is no such thing as schwarma in Mexican food. Goat, yes. Cabeza, yes. Tongue and tripe are fine. Schwarma, no. None of us at Burritophile have read the
Weekly since the appearance of this journalistic abomination. If they don't know a non-burrito when they see one, how can we trust their reporting about less important issues, like city council issues and police corruption?
Crepes
I've only seen this happen once. Crepes are effete food, the domain of low-carb obsessed yuppies and wannabe foodies. Crepes are almost always breakfast. Crepes can contain broccoli, feta cheese, chicken apple sausage, potatoes, and any number of other things that no respectable burrito would ever be caught dead containing.
Taco Bell's Grilled Chicken Stuffed Enchilada Burrito
An enchilada and a burrito are two different things, and you can no more turn "enchilada" into an adjective than you can "burrito."
Anything from Taco Bell
If you need an explanation for this, go work for the
Weekly.
Places To Go If You Want Something That's Probably Not A Burrito
"Why settle for someone else's idea of a burrito? Design your burrito to be ultra low in calories and fat grams.""Wrap ANY sandwich in our Lower-Carb Tortilla!""We hit on a successful formula by developing the right kind of menu and by adding the gourmet wrap to our mix of existing products.""Our interactive process mandates customer participation, as our trained 'Rio Wrappers' take each patron through a guided tour enroute to the perfect wrap!""They're all made fresh everyday right in your Wawa. When you're hungry and on the run, wrap it up with a delicious, new Wawa Wrap!""Our MISSION is to: Define and Dominate the WRAPP category.""They look like meal-sized burritos... but that's where the similarity ends."
